Funeral Etiquette

Many of us are unsure about what encouraging words to say to the family or how to interact and respond to someone's feelings of sorrow. Knowing a few funeral etiquette rules can help anyone be more comfortable in both a funeral and visitation setting.

When Should I Visit?

Once you learn of someone’s death, visiting the family at their home is appropriate, but the funeral home during visitation is the best place to visit with family members and offer your condolences. Attending the funeral or memorial service is also meaningful for the family. However, during the funeral service or passby following the service is not the time to chat. Give a quick hug, handshake or share a kind word and then continue on so that all the people behind you in the line may do the same.

For anyone wanting to visit and offer assistance to the family before or after services are held, these actions can provide additional comfort. Offering to bring food, household necessities (such as paper goods, cups...), assist with childcare and handle any errands or chores are a few of the things you can do to assist the grieving family.

What Should I Say?

This is the most common question asked by someone wanting to pay their respects. While no words can adequately express the depth of a loss, offering a few kind words to the family of the deceased lets them know you care. Remember that your physical presence speaks volumes. Express your sympathy in your own words, however it feels right to you. Kind words about the loved one who has passed are always appropriate, and a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" or "my thoughts and prayers are with you" can be meaningful and comforting for the bereaved. Don't feel that you should avoid talking about the person who has died; talking can help the grieving process begin.

What not to say: Don't ask the cause of death. If the family wants to discuss it, let them bring it up. Avoid giving unsolicited advice, or making comments that might unintentionally diminish the importance of their loss such as "I've been through this before" or I know how you feel". Try to avoid airing your grievances or saying the deceased is in a better place now.

What Should I Wear?

Try to find out the dress code before you attend, so that you can be sure you'll fit in and look appropriate. If you aren't sure, simply try to dress in a conservative way that shows respect for the family and other mourners. This doesn't mean that you have to wear black, but try to avoid overly bright colors.

Where Should I Sit?

Many people attend funeral services and are unfamiliar with seating arrangements. Typically, at both the funeral and visitation service, the first rows of seats are reserved for family members. If you are not a part of the family, choose a seat behind the reserved seating.

What Should I Do?

Arriving on time is very important. When entering either the funeral home or another location, enter as quietly as possible. Be sure to add yourself to the register book, using your full name so that the family can identify you in the future. It's also helpful to add information about how you knew the deceased - through work, social clubs, school, church, etc.

At a service with an open casket, it's customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased and, if you wish, spending a few moments in silent prayer. The family may escort you to the casket, or you might approach on your own. Viewing the deceased is not mandatory, however, and you should choose according to what is comfortable to you.

If you are attending the visitation, speak to the surviving family members and offer your condolences. It's perfectly appropriate to engage in quiet conversation with friends or other associates of the deceased. Don't feel that you have to stay longer than you feel comfortable. Your presence means a lot to the family regardless of how long or short the visit.

Cellphone use during a service is inappropriate. If you have brought your phone in with you, take a moment to silence it or turn it off. If you feel you must answer a message or call while in attendance, excuse yourself and walk into another room or outside.

What Should I Do About Children?

While there isn’t a definite answer to this question, a child attending a visitation or funeral service depends on the situation or relationship to the deceased and their family, as well as the age of the child and whether or not they can appropriately behave. If you decide to take your child to any service, explain what will occur while at the service and that they are expected to act in a respcetful and considerate manner. If you do bring children, be sure to leep a close eye on them and keep them from running, yelling, and playing or climbing on furniture at the location.

What Should I Give?

Sending flowers to the funeral home or home is an appropriate way to offer condolences. In some cases, the family members may ask for donations to be made to a particular foundation in lieu of flowers, and those wishes should be honored. Bringing food to the grieving family is another way to show respect to those who are suffering from the loss. A less expensive and completely appropriate option would be to send the family a sympathy card. There is no specific time or expiration on when cards can be sent. All of these are meaningful gestures to let the bereaved know that they are in your thoughts. The simplest of tributes can be of great comfort to the family, and can express your sympathy when words just aren't enough.